


Driver's Ed

by nabswrites



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Dirk Gently definitely does not have a driver's license, Dirk is lowkey shady as hell, Farah's out for the day but the boys don't forget about her, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Todd should be used to this by now, also I don't think there's a Beast tag yet, the Beast knows what she's doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 22:33:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12921606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nabswrites/pseuds/nabswrites
Summary: fangirlsanity said: Something with Dirk and the Beast friendship and him teaching the Beast how to live in modern society but totally failing and Todd has to step in cause Dirk doesn’t know anything whatsoeverDirk is entertaining his houseguest and decides to go the educational route.  The Beast is having a great time. Todd is horrified.





	Driver's Ed

Dirk Gently and his Detective Agency had left Bergsberg in the capable hands of the local law enforcement.  Hobbs and Tina had sent them off with tearful farewells.

“Stop by every now and again, you know, when you’re in the area.  And, you know, my birthday’s coming up soon, eh, and everyone will be there, so maybe you could find yourselves in the area around then?”

“Oh my God you all better snapchat me everything cool that you find, and, Farah, you have my number so umm hit me up?  Sound Of Nothing’s happening again next year, and that was lit, and I can uhh go with you?  That is, if you want, and it’s not really a big deal, really, but uh yeah text me?”

Then they were gone.

They reached the first safehouse, which was a boring apartment after a boring drive.  Well, it was boring at first.  Dirk hadn’t realized they had been followed until a rainbow crashed into him and somehow sent him sprawling in the arms of someone who was definitely not a local.

“Bibbit mizme?  Um saz, wonnuh see fenz.”

And just like that, the Beast became a semi-regular visitor/guest.  She always popped in sooner or later, no matter how anonymous Farah’s latest safehouse was, and wandered back out when she had gotten her fill of cuddles and Bibbit.  She was rather like a stray cat, and, well, Dirk has a history with those.  As for where she went off to in the intervening days/weeks — honestly, some cases are better left unsolved.

 

* * *

 

It was a beautiful day in the undisclosed location of their current safehouse, lovingly and thoroughly arranged by Farah.  It was only a little bit cramped, but Dirk has had worse living arrangements.  However, Todd seemed to take offence at the closeness and had reached the point where he could even be described as _crabby_.

Dirk had spent the previous four days trying to teach the Beast how to use the coffee maker.  She loved the beverage, and he wanted his friend to be able to make it whenever she wanted; it was only fair.  Alas, they had finally been chased out of the kitchen by an irate Todd who told them very firmly to find something else to teach/learn.

On this visit, Dirk had decided it was time the Beast learn more about the world outside of Wendimoor.  Thus, he assumed the roll of educator and the Beast as his star pupil.

Now temporarily banned from proximity to Todd, Dirk knew their next lesson when he laid eyes on the dinged old Honda Civic.  Easier than the coffee maker and much more fun! Perfect!

 

* * *

 

“And if you look here, you may notice this stick thing.  It’s called the PRiNDle, and when it’s on D that means you can go forward.  See, it’s on P right now because we’re parked and not moving.  R makes you go backward.  Got it?”

The Beast followed Dirk’s appropriately enthusiastic pointing with uncommon focus.  She was sat in the driver’s seat (best to learn hands on), touching every lever and dial within reach.  “Mekih go?”

“Excellent question, darling!  I feel confident saying you’re the best student I’ve ever had.  Now, you use these pedals down there.  I see you’re using both feet, which I must say is inspired.  The bigger one to the left – that is, closer to the door – makes you slow down and stop.  I don’t really use that one much; I find it to be counterproductive when I’m trying to get where I’m going without wasting much time. 

“However,” Dirk advised, “it is very important to press it down when you’re ‘changing gears.’ That’s just a little lingo I’ve picked up somewhere.  Right, you have to keep it pressed until the stick is where you want it to be.  Once you’re there, you can stop pressing the brake, and press the other one to make it go.”

No sooner had the instructions reached the open air than the screech and snarl of tires sent them down the road, leaving truly impressive skid marks in their wake.

 

* * *

 

Todd was midway through cleaning up the remains of coffee grounds that had somehow made it inside the blender when he got the sense that something had just gone horribly wrong.

He ran to the window, checking for suspiciously large and dark SUVs.  He tried to calm his heart beat when he confirmed the street was clear.  The only car in sight was their crappy Honda that they (Farah) had paid for in cash.  Movement caught his eye and he noticed Dirk in the passenger seat, wildly flailing.  “Well, at least they can’t make a mess,” he said to the empty house.

Wait, Dirk in the passenger seat?  Then that meant –

Tires shrieked and smoked, and then the crappy Honda was in the distance.

 

* * *

 

It was wonderfully cool by the time the Beast slammed the breaks and slid the slightly-more-dinged-than-a-few-hours-ago-but-who-really-even-notices-things-like-that-? Honda to a stop, exactly 8 inches from the kerb, parallel to the house.  The Beast had picked up that “parallel parking” thing everyone was always going on about beautifully.

Dirk laughed in pride and leaned across the centre console to throw his arms around his howling friend; (nothing obstructed him because what were seatbelts even for?  They just got in the way when he needed to get something in the backseat.  More efficient to go without, really.)

 “Brilliant!  I think you’ve really gotten the hang of this!  It seems the student has become the master!” His arm was still flung over her shoulders as she moved the stick to ‘P’ and turned the key to ‘off’.

“Between you and me, it took me _ages_ to figure out how to make a perfect skid-circle like that — what are the kids calling it these days? Doughnuts?  Lots of trial and error there, but only one – a couple – ok, you’ve got me, it was only _nine_ blowouts.  And I’m sure those cars found their way back home eventually, the police have a whole _taskforce_ for – Todd!  Guess what, the Beast is even better at driving than I am! 

Dirk’s best friend launched himself out of the house looking fairly excited, stopped, took one long look at the car and Dirk waving out of the window, and turned around and walked right back inside.

“Well, that was rude.  He didn’t even wave.  He must have been upset we left without him.”

“Faz! Uh lie faz! Do ih gen! Wehgoh fazr nes tie.”

“I’m not sure this car goes faster.  We’ll just have to find a better one, I suppose.  How about after dinner?  Farah should be back by then and she and Todd can both come with us!  Wouldn’t want them to miss out.”

“Wuhn wan tha.”

**Author's Note:**

> Always wear your seatbelt, kids.
> 
> Ta-da! My very first fic. Am I doing this right?
> 
> Sorry for the Beast-isms...hopefully it's not too garbled?
> 
> Catch me on tumblr @ gentlyace.tumblr.com


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